I am trying hard not to be nervous, but...

Never have I felt such a mix of dread and excitement as we go into our opening week. We have been working our butts off and I am sure that it is going to show in our performances, but this is truly uncharted territory for me. I am so used to going up on stage and singing with a band, but doing this musical is more like: "Ok, Nikki, get onstage and sing this song with a band, while juggling flaming knives, playing a kazoo, tap dancing, and by the way, sing it backwards". I don't mean this literally, of course, just that it is taking a lot more brainpower and focusing than just selling a song. We have to sell our characters and our stories.

Scott has been constantly talking about searching for the truth in our parts, and I think that we are really trying to find that every night. I'm just afraid of what having other people, strangers, in the midst is going to do to that. We have to be so vulnerable as actors, and we have spent the last three months in a kind of incubator as we have explored what works and what doesn't. Now, we're letting people into this world and I'm really wondering what they will think. I suppose that some will get it, some won't.

I have not gotten to work with "The Artist's Way" as much as I have wanted to in the last few weeks, but it is never far from my mind. One of the first concepts introduced, as I have probably stated here before, is this idea that we have to heal the damage done to our inner artist in order to really access our creative energies. Many times the damage has occurred long ago and we have buried it. It could have been something as simple as a picture that we drew as a very young child, with all of the enthusiasm and wonder in our hearts, that someone called stupid or ugly. It could have been a parent who told us to give up our art because we'd never make any money. Every time that we do something creative is a chance for the inner artist to flourish or wither. I did not realize until now just how much courage and bravery that one has to possess in order to act onstage, and I am both determined and unsure, if that is possible.

Anyway, I will post more after this first performance. I am going to find my "happy place" until show time. Ciao for now.